And yet despite their best efforts, the object of their unseemly affection languishes in the bottom half of the Idol Winners’ Debut Album sales chart:

Carrie, Some Hearts [11-15-05] – 7,001,000 (07-20-10)
Kelly, Thankful [04-15-03] – 2,740,000 (04-20-10)
Ruben, Soulful [12-09-03] – 1,786,000 (03-20-07)
Fantasia, Free Yourself [11-23-04] – 1,732,000 (03-20-07)
David C, David Cook [11-18-08] – 1,310,000 (07-13-10)
Jordin, Jordin Sparks [11-20-07] – 1,039,000 (07-13-10)
Taylor, Taylor Hicks [12-12-06] – 703,195 (02-24-09)
Kris, Kris Allen [11-17-09] – 311,000 (07-13-10)

Oh sure, fangirls in recent years have had the economy to blame and the music industry as a whole has seen a steady decline in CD sales, but the fact remains that there are indeed artists out there who can sell multi-platinum without organized power-buying campaigns and without their fans “gifting” the album in question to family, friends, coworkers, and unsuspecting passersby.

Don’t think it’ll happen with a second album? This is how it starts:

Thursday, July 22, 2010 – 20:31 OmahaCookie:
Speaking of buying CD’s – I’ve been wondering for a while, as people talk about what David’s new CD will sound like. And some people wondering if they’ll like it. It got me wondering – will you preorder the CD? For me, yes, I will. Without hearing a single song on the CD, I’d preorder it. After spending 2+ years following every move David makes, I can’t imagine not spending $9.99 for the CD. Or $12.99. Or even twice that if there happen to be a couple bonus songs on CD’s for sale elsewhere.

Please let me spend some money!

And they’re off!

Thursday, July 22, 2010 – 23:01 kitkat:
I am ready to spend money! I likely will preorder from somewhere. I guess I need to be strategic, but I’m itching to order.

It isn’t long before the madness begins:

Thursday, July 22, 2010 – 23:34 coolshades:
The reason I’m preordering from Amazon is because I want to have one of every different copy of DCTR2 that exists. The Amazon copy will be the “normal” copy. lol. If Wal-Mart has a bonus track, I’ll pick that up too. Then I’ll have my iTunes version with *its* bonus track. When DCTR came out, I also picked up the signed copy from Newbury Comics. But I may skip that this time, since technically it’s not a different copy of the record itself.

Please note: the above DCO fangirl self-identifies as a teenage girl; it’s unclear how she can afford to power-buy.

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 04:03 Bicky:
iTunes was not available in SA two years ago. DCTR was in stores here just two weeks after it was launched in the US, but I couldn’t wait that long, so I pre-ordered from Amazon, despite having to pay $69 postage. I made it worthwhile though by ordering five copies, three of which I gave away as Xmas gifts. I didn’t manage to get the Walmart or Target ones, but this time I may ask some kind DCO-er to put me on their mailing list if there are special copies with bonus tracks.

Gee, what a thoughtful Xmas gift! Crappy music from a no-hit wonder!

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 04:46 Trishabunny:
They have had a gifting thread for international fans. They have set up gifting the album & singles. I have gifted along with alot of other David Cook fans here. I plan on gifting on itunes again when the album is available and would have no problem helping international fans get hard copies of the cd. I just couldn’t imagine not being able to get David’s music.

Oh great, it’s not bad enough for U.S. Americans to have to suffer through Cook’s self-indulgent “music,” the fangirls want to infect the world…

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 07:22 janlin:
Is it pre-order time yet? Thought I missed an important announcement when I logged on this morning. Well yes, I am going to definitely pre-order when the time comes and will order from how many it takes to get all the bonus songs. Personally, I don’t need to hear the cd before I order it….if I like the artist and one or two songs…it is a no-brainer for me. Guess I am easy that way…lol Guess it all comes back to my early days when entire albums were NOT available a la carte (track by track). You could buy the singles but if you wanted anything else you had to buy the whole album. Although I think it is wonderful that we have the option of buying whatever track off an album that we desire, I really think it has decreased overall album sales.

I will also be gifting whatever I can to our awesome international fans. I have signed up each and every time and it is really a good feeling to know you are helping someone out who otherwise may not have a chance to own a David Cook video, cd, or single. My way of helping to spread the love.

More like spreading the contagion.

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 09:55 aussie1:
The gifting thread is a wonderful thing but if you want multiple CDs from different stores to get all the bonus tracks I would be delighted to help you out. I have Oz and US accounts if you’re uncomfortable with Paypal. Word of warning -Don’t send an Oz cheque to be cashed in the US (and vice versa) – the banking system does not cope. Transactions need to be electronic. That’s probably true for other countries as well.

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 10:01 sky….:
I will probably preorder from itunes especially if there is a deluxe version and get the walmart version as well. I ended up with 4 versions of DCTR somehow Walmart, Amazon, itunes and the itty bitty.

Gee, only four? There goes your chance at making DCO Fangirl of the Year.

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 10:02 newfiefan:
I will be doing the pre order as soon as its available, i got the last album in the mail the day the album was released so i was quite happy.
i dont need to know what songs are on the album i love David Cook so much i want it asap. i bought five copies of the last album and I’m sure i will be doing the same this time i gave three copies as gifts and kept two copies for myself one for my truck and one for the house, i love it so much.
I hope every day we hear when the album is going to be released and i pray every day to get another single video cant wait to see David on the big screen again. Good Luck David cook looking forward to getting the album soonnnnnn.

Alas, Canada has been infected.

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 11:21 jasmine:
For the record, I’m pre-ordering any version that’s available, and buying hardcopies and/or i-tunes of all versions in order to get every song available whether I’ve heard or not. I’m that much in love with this guy’s music and voice. Just so you don’t think I’m a pushover, I did NOT buy merch last tour, and didn’t even buy the guitar book when it came out. However, after looking at Catherine’s copy a few days ago, I might just have to order one if for the bio if nothing else. (and the “5K marathon” quote, hee)

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 11:28 pweller7:
I’m with jasmine. I will be pre-ordering and ordering/purchasing anything that man puts out even before hearing it. I am a HUGE Cook fan and will do my part to support him and his band so that we can continue to hear him and his music for a long time to come hopefully. That is my story and I’m sticking to it.

The above poster likes to start threads at DCO dedicated to Cook’s body parts…shudder!

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 12:13 abethfordc:
I am going to preorder each of the different versions for DCTR2 for my collections and some extra ones for use and gifts. I’ve learned my lesson. I wished that I did that on DCTR. Did not understand that time what it was all about. I only preordered the hard copy from amazon but it took time to arrive. On release day, I bought 3 albums at Virgin Store for tickets to the show (w/ my cousin and nephew’s wife). We had David’s signature on the albums at the meet and greet. Once I was at Walmart and bought 3 copies but ended up giving them all away. Someday, I’ll buy another one over there and hope they still have the bonus song. I like to keep 3 copies for myself and usually buy them at Best Buy where it’s more convenient but they do not have the special bonus song except Kiss on the Neck.
As for gifting here, I think I can do it. I usually do it in 3′s, I don’t know why.
I can’t wait to see what other stuff DCTR2 have to offer.

Hmm, maybe because you have 3 working brain cells?

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 13:50 Polarbrrr:
I will be buying whatever versions of the album are available here whenever they are available though I will likely have to depend on the kindness of friends again (smiles sweetly in the direction of Palo Alto) for versions that include different bonus songs. Our Walmart here in the Great White North sold the exact same version of DCTR as every other store – Best Buy, HMV etc. – KOTN was the only bonus track on it. Probably related in some way to the CRTC rules & regs. Did you Yanks know that radio stations here are required by law to include a certain percentage of “Canadian content” in their programming?

Yikes, another Canadian fangirl…I’d apologize but there is that whole Bieber thing.

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 14:18 sylvanaire:
As far as whether I’ll pre-order Dave’s CD… I’ll probably wait to find out what all the different deals are this time. If they do a deluxe version like Jive did for Archie, I’ll definitely get that, although I would prefer it be deluxe in the sense of more music, rather than photos and T-shirts as the bonus material. That kind of swag doesn’t interest me at all. I waited to see if Ryan Star would get a deluxe iTunes pre-order before I committed to buying his new CD, and I’m not all that invested in Ryan. I saw him open for 4 of the 5 shows I got to last year, and like…, no, love! a few of his songs, and like the majority of the rest that I’ve heard. Besides I have a copy of each of Dave’s openers current CD’s, and I want to complete the set, lol.

I will say, before DC, I never bought more than one copy of any album, and it was a pretty strange idea to get into my head, lol. I wasn’t even that interested in getting bonus song versions of other artists’ CDs. But I was at a fever pitch of anticipation in the Fall of 2008, and couldn’t by-pass any bonus songs. I probably bought 6 copies by the time it was all said and done. Four were gifts (to people who had actually liked him on the show), I kept the iTunes digital copy(duh), and one Wal-Mart hard copy, and I’m alright with that! *smile*

A fever pitch of anticipation? Given the quality of Cook’s “music,” I’m thinking it would be more like a sinking feeling of dread.

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 15:13 dogmother057:
I’m dying for DCTR2 so I’ll probably pre-order any and all versions available then walk in a store and buy it just for the sheer thrill of it. Can’t wait.

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 16:11 davidrocksmysoul:
And I’m also in the group that will buy Every. Single. Version of DCTR2 (for research purposes, of course heh) and I would happily do it without hearing one note. Throw in 4 or 5 more for gifts and I’ll be set. I would never dream of doing that for any other artist – even my absolute favorites. David Cook is my top tier musical hero and no other is even in the same stratosphere!

Okay then.

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 16:38 janlin:
Just wanted to say that DCTR is the only album I have ever purchased multiple copies of…..and I will do the same for DCTR2. I would do that without hearing one note of the album because I just can not get enough of that VOICE.

It goes without saying that Scott is up for DCO Fangirl of the Year…

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 17:47 Scott:
I will be buying several copies of David’s new album.
I don’t like giving WalMart my business, so like last time, if there is an exclusive bonus track on the Walmart version I will buy just one hard copy from that retailer and keep it for myself. I’m fairly certain itunes will have at least one pre-order exclusive bonus track and so I will, like last time, pre-order through itunes. I will probably, like last time, pre-order 4 copies on amazon.com and give those as presents. That way, the week it drops, I’ve spread out 6 orders over 3 retailers and all are sure to be counted toward the soundscan numbers for the debut. And, like last time, as the need arises for presents (birthday, the holidays), I will go to my nearby Target & Best Buy (in the same shopping center) and purchase copies of DCTR-2 as presents. I will be buying David’s music without listening to it first. I cannot imagine myself not loving it, based on his track record lol. Also, my tastes are diverse and eclectic, and I actually like pop if it’s good – so if the album has a bunch of commercial rock/pop-rock songs, no problem. I love Ryan Star’s new pop song Start A Fire. It will be a huge hit. The only other artist that gets this treatment is Ryan. I preordered itunes, amazon & the deluxe CD from his website. I will likely buy some more as gifts.

He’s going to wear those pom-poms out at this rate…

Friday, July 23, 2010 – 23:20 Trishabunny:
Every time David tweets it makes the record more and more real. I will buy every version that is available(I did that with DCTR) I set a precedent last time by buying and giving family, co workers and friends their own copies of the CD. I wanted to share the greatness of David with everyone! Now everyone is excited about the second CD and want to know when they’ll get their copy. I know it’s my own fault (David’s too) they all have been Cookified! I did have so much fun sharing his music last time I’m sure I’ll be gifting again!

The greatness of David? And that would be what exactly? Meanwhile, you-know-who is rationalizing away.

Saturday, July 24, 2010 – 10:45 Scott:
I feel fortunate that I can afford a couple of copies (different bonus versions) for myself. The others are legitimate birthday & holiday presents for friends, family & co-workers , and I’ll likely buy them whatever version is offered for the best price at the time… whether it’s $9.99 on itunes or $11.99 on amazon.com, regardless of bonus material. I would be spending 10 to 15 bucks on a co-worker’s or friend’s birthday anyway, so why not kill 2 birds with one stone?

Why not let Cook sink or swim on his own without trying to bolster his sales numbers?

Saturday, July 24, 2010 – 10:47 Megg:
I expect to buy a hard copy of DCTR for my car, an Itunes for itunes, maybe an amazon mp3 for my android phone. At least.

All I can say to Serletic, is don’t process THE VOICE! Not at all. Leave it raw. It’s the best thing out there! Use different mics, but don’t touch THE VOICE! Go golfing, play bop it, but don’t process the voice

Personally, I think her car stereo committed suicide to keep from having to play mediocre music all the time…

Rumor has it that she wrote the following song about Tedder, although it could just as easily be directed at “the suits” at RCA, since they (and the rest of the world) were less than impressed with Clarkson’s third album, the dreary, self-indulgent “My Distemper December.”

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Yes it is
Yes it is
Yes it is
Yes it is

Big talk from an artist who has watched her album sales plummet and concert tickets go unsold while doing it her way…

Skyrockets are optional this time around.

Which isn’t to say the fangirls aren’t enthused, as we can see by this gathering of the (mostly) hopelessly devoted at Pulse:

katharinemcpheefan91
Jan 5, 2010, 12:41am
Buy The Album For Only $3.99 on Amazon MP3!!!

uplink2
Jan 5, 2010, 5:06pm
On sale for $3.99 in MP3 downloads on Amazon today only! Album of the day!

Album of the day, how exciting! Uplink2 is perhaps the alpha fangirl among the McPhans…

katharinemcpheefan91
Jan 5, 2010, 7:34pm
The album is #18 on iTunes & #2 on Amazon MP3!!!! Go Kat!!!

Then they get a reality check from Hits Daily Double’s One-Day Sales report:

katharinemcpheefan91
Jan 6, 2010, 3:41pm
The only other debut of note is Idol alum Katherine McPhee’s Verve Forecast debut, Unbroken, which sees her as a blonde, targeted for between 13-15k

Shooter
Jan 6, 2010, 4:04pm
Better than nothing.

S_Bunny
Jan 6, 2010, 4:08pm
Was expecting more to be honest.

The best songs on this album for me is It’s Not Right, Last Letter, Terrified, How and Faultline with It’s Not Right being by far the best, I love it!

Mike Hunt
Jan 6, 2010, 4:13pm
Wow, that is incredibly disappointing. I wonder if she’ll even get another album after this…

Good question.

technical DIFFICULTY
Jan 6, 2010, 4:18pm
“Better than nothing.” Are you serious? That’s basically nothing!

MuSiCizMyLiFe
Jan 6, 2010, 4:48pm
LMAO IKR but this album really sucks

Another of the alpha fangirls shows up, full of shit certainty and determined to make lemonade:

Krhazy
Jan 6, 2010, 4:54pm
I doubt she has to worry about getting another album, especially if the songs end up doing decent on AC. The label likely didn’t spend a whole lot, and she’s already had probably the third biggest opening week of anyone on their roster in the past year.

The numbers are completely unsurprising, given her buzz level at this moment in time. I actually think they are a little high. I was expecting between 7-10k.

I think she should go all-out Jazz on her next album. Hook her up with Larry Klein.

Reinforcements arrive, armed with every possible excuse for low album sales known to fankind and a touch of hyperbole:

Dirrty Jerz.
Jan 6, 2010, 5:49pm
LOL Precisely. Even with such low numbers, she is off to a better start than the majority of the artists on their roster; many of whom have been signed and have been releasing albums for years. Kat definitely doesn’t have to worry about anything in that regard.

I don’t know how anyone could be surprised, to be honest. She has virtually no airplay, rather meek promotion, little to no buzz. Couple all of these disadvantages with the album being released in literally the absolute worst week for sales of the entire year and the numbers make complete sense. If anything, I expected the numbers to be trending even lower.

As for the album, it is actually really solid. Fantastic writing along with totally organic production. Not surprising that some here wouldn’t like it.

A cheerleader returns…

katharinemcpheefan91
Jan 6, 2010, 5:50pm
I hope she gets to perform on American Idol this season!! It will definitely help the sales!!

Followed by a realist — this is Pulse, after all.

starsprinkles
Jan 6, 2010, 5:52pm
I think she’s rather past her expiration date for Idol. They tend to only invite those that are managed personally by 19E or have big buzz. Kat has neither

Cheerleader logic:

katharinemcpheefan91
Jan 6, 2010, 5:53pm
Ruben Studdard & Taylor Hicks were both on last season, and they have neither and aren’t doing any better then her….

Kishi DJ Jackson
Jan 6, 2010, 7:01pm
Her hardcore fans are buying this album. Posters can LULZ all they want, but without a hit single and hardly any visibility, 15k is better than nothing. Numbers aren’t everything.

I hate to break it to you, fangirl, but numbers are pretty much everything to the label. And why is it that the fangirls invariably repeat 15k rather than 13-15k, which is what HDD predicted? Oh wait, I know the answer to that. Never mind.

starsprinkles
Jan 6, 2010, 7:06pm
“Ruben Studdard & Taylor Hicks were both on last season, and they have neither and aren’t doing any better then her….”

They both won. Katharine did not.

Cheerleading fangirls simply CANNOT stop shaking their pom-poms…

katharinemcpheefan91
Jan 6, 2010, 7:27pm
ok, well what about bo bice?? he was on two seasons ago promoting his 2nd flop album… he didn’t win either.

realityBITES
Jan 6, 2010, 10:38pm
I think they’ll bring her back. They brought Michael Johns, Carly, and Brooke back last year. That should bring her back.

I think I’m getting a headache…

starsprinkles
Jan 6, 2010, 11:14pm
That’s because they had just been on AI the season before. It’s been what, 4 years since Kat was on? She’s not relevant anymore, and her album sales prove that the interest is not there anymore either.

technical DIFFICULTY
Jan 6, 2010, 11:16pm
So Katharine’s hardcore fans = 15k for at least this week?

JORDAN
Jan 7, 2010, 1:58am
I bought it, and while I am disgusted at her first week numbers I can’t say I’m surprised.

For reasons unknown, a Madonna fan weighs in…

hellomadge69
Jan 7, 2010, 10:05am
God, she needs to get rid of the platinum locks ASAP. She looks washed out and older. I feel bad for her, virtually no buzz, no radio play, no relevancy in the music scene, and she still hasn’t carved any kind of niche…is she pop? AC? Jazzy pop? folky pop? poor gal…

dbhmr
Jan 7, 2010, 11:25am
Hmm, not a bad song, but she is just a very weak singer in my opinion. And by weak, I’m not just referencing power (though she doesn’t have much of it)–you can have a softer voice and still a great one (e.g. Karen Carpenter), but she easily goes off pitch and shrill.

And a somewhat raggedy attack dog shows up…

sassywahine
Jan 7, 2010, 11:30am
With no airplay you say…how did HIA manage to be at #22 on the mediabase chart . Maybe HIA is not being played in your area but in other parts of the country it is. I still have not heard HIA in my area but hopefully soon. I now see my HAC/AC station, Star 101, promoting Kat’s album.

Definitely getting a headache.

starsprinkles
Jan 7, 2010, 1:16pm
I agree that the platinum blonde hair ages her. It just doesn’t suit her no matter how she styles it.

Random price quotes show up, perhaps as an incentive to buy…

areyoureadytojump
Jan 7, 2010, 2:13pm
Out now!
Target $9.98
Best Buy $7.99

Pleas for information go unanswered…

JamaicaFunk²
Jan 7, 2010, 4:16pm
Have there even been any official reviews of this cd?? Entertainment Weekly? Rolling Stone? USA Today??

Sunpeach
Jan 8, 2010, 1:27am
I went into target tonight and her album was on the front rack

How very exciting. Being on the front rack must mean something…

D.I.N.O.$.A.U.R.
Jan 8, 2010, 2:57am
I’m loving this album. Bought it two days ago. My favorite currently is Last Letter.

uplink2
Jan 8, 2010, 10:42am
A great explanation on what she does and another reason I love her.

Zach
Jan 8, 2010, 12:50pm
AOL Sessions are up!! Seriously the best sessions that I’ve ever heard, and I listen to them all the time. She just nails and nails her songs!

And there’s at least one response to the video above:

Zach
Jan 8, 2010, 12:52pm
AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. This is what I’ve been feeling about the Pop industry FOREVER

And right on cue comes the “newly won-over” fangirl:

BurnItUp (with Kerosene)
Jan 9, 2010, 3:09am
I’m actually really liking this album. I wasn’t a fan before; I’ve heard her debut and didn’t like it, but I enjoy the stripped down, rawer sound of this album combined with the melancholy songs. It’s not very current sounding though which is probably problematic for sales; however it might open her up to a new fanbase.

And at last we come to the final refuge of the fangirl — radio airplay.

uplink2
Jan 9, 2010, 8:31am
Had It All has gone Top 20 !!!

24 20 KATHARINE MCPHEE Had It All Verve Forecast/VMG 2009 116 88 28

Also she now has WWFS-FM Fresh 102.7 in NYC on board!!! 4 spins yesterday!! Hopefully this means more of the Lemming stations will finally come on board!

As we all know, radio airplay guarantees sales, which is why Kelly Clarkson, who gets MASSIVE airplay, is still selling multi-plat on her fourth album…oh wait. She’s not. But she’s still selling out arenas on tour…oh wait. She’s not. Hmm. Never mind.

WILL™
Jan 9, 2010, 11:07am
Say Goodbye is absolutely beautiful.

Not to mention, absolutely appropriate…

Main Entry: comb–over
Pronunciation: \ˈkōm-ˌō-vər\
Function: noun
Date: 1980
: an arrangement of hair on a balding man in which hair from the side of the head is combed over the bald spot
See: David Cook

Okay, I’m kidding, the definition doesn’t really reference David Cook, but it probably should. His comb-over is beyond hideous and approaching hysterical, as in “It’s hysterically funny that Cook thinks he’s fooling anyone with that greasy rat’s nest of a comb-over, as if any self-respecting rodent would be caught dead anywhere near that sorry mess!”

Need proof? Brace yourself…

Can you imagine the reaction at DCO? Well, you don’t have to…just keep on reading.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 19:57 coolshades:
Um….tonight is the last show of the Declaration Tour. Post on home page says tomorrow was canceled and will be rescheduled.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 19:58 closeyoureyes:
Go check out the Home Page – last concert of Detewer cancelled !!!! Huh????

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:03 Scott:
Well, if it’s rescheduled to happen before the holidays, then I guess that will be the last night of the tour, not tonight. If it’s after NYE, then I suppose tonight IS the last night and NYE & Norfolk will be isolated bookings. Symantics if you ask me though LOL! I’m concerned though. I’m really not up for bad news, and canceling this show was not done lightly.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:12 OhioluvsdcNcd:
I’m sorry to hear that tonight is the last show! I’ll miss the cellcasts/recaps/vids/pics but I keep telling myself it will only be a short break and I’ll be buying cd/concert tickets/voting & requesting new DC music again soon!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:16 LostMySnark:
Oh I feel so bad for everyone that had tickets to that show. I know a lot of people were traveling in for the last show. So that is airfare I hope can be refunded. Was this a radio show? Won’t they just continue on with it with the other acts? Colbie, GRO and The Script? I hope everything is ok? David never cancels shows unless it can’t be avoided.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:17 seriously:
Maybe it was cancelled because of the Grammys tomorrow. Maybe TPTB know something we don’t.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:19 LostMySnark:
I don’t know I won’t say the G word. But that doesn’t seem like something David would agree to. He usually keeps his promises. This is too last minute. It has to be a personal reason.

ETA: What would be a reason a Venue would cancel a show?

Funny you should ask! Low ticket sales are the most common reason that a venue cancels…

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:19 OhioluvsdcNcd:
“Maybe it was cancelled because of the Grammys tomorrow. Maybe TPTB know something we don’t.”

I was just thinking about that. It could be possible!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:20 QueenJ:
I highly doubt it has anything to do with the Grammy announcements. Each show is bound by contract. He’s not going to cancel it to watch some show on TV and the lineup for the announcement has been made already. I don’t think David would cancel an entire show to be there for all of 5 seconds. I’m guessing some issue with the venue. None of the guys or GRO has said anything other than indicating there would be a show tomorrow. They would not cancel less than 24 hours before the show if it was within their control.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:29 blackkathy:
On the radio interview today, he still refers to 155 shows. Tonight is 154. Andy tweeted “2 more” about noon today. So this was really last minute & definitely not a decision made easily; does make one feel concerned.

I’m so sorry for those who were looking forward to tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:32 OhioluvsdcNcd:
Maybe the venue is the one who backed out of the show?

Ya think?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:32 DonnaAC:
Andy tweeted earlier today making it sound like tomorrow was still happening so I agree this was something VERY last minute. No way do I believe he would cancel for anything with the Grammy’s. You don’t have to be there for that sort of thing. I hope he says something tonight and most importantly I hope everything is ok.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:39 carrera4:
Queen J, I hope you are correct about a venue issue. I’m like Scott, I am just not up for any bad news.
Grammies, smammies I just want everything to be all right!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:40 Cathryn:
Venues occasionally do cancel shows, if there was a problem with the unions as one example.

Hope everything is ok with the boys.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 20:57 Marge1157:
http://www.constantcenter.com/calendar/?event=522

Tickets can be refunded at the original point of purchase.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:01 coolshades:
Travel conflicts?? Hmmmmmm could the Grammy speculation actually be right?

Very curious…

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:05 Polarbrrr:
Oy, the scrutiny David will be under tonight. His every move, word, smile whatevah is going to be analyzed ad nauseum. And we do ad nauseum really well around here. LOL

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:08 LostMySnark:
Not the G’s. Why would he be there for nominations? VA is how far from NC? How could there be a travel conflict? Why would everyone cancel? I thought it was a radio show?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:14 Marge1157:
charlotte to norfolk is 381 miles. a 6 hour drive.

In other words, NOT a “travel conflict.”

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:14 Polarbrrr:
I know LMS. Verrrrry Interesting. * she says a la Arte Johnson*

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:15 coolshades:
LostMySnark, there are going to be live performances during the show tomorrow night. So maybe he was booked at the last minute? Total speculation, of course…

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:23 Polarbrrr:
hmmmm…that could be the explanation, Coolie. If that’s the reason he could hardly turn down the opportunity to perform at such a high profile event but tough for all the peeps who had counted on it its being the last show.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:29 NEMOCougar:
Well I agree that DC would not cancel lightly — and I’m wondering if this means a last minute invitation to PERFORM at the Grammy nom’s show – THAT would be a tough call — TPTB will say cancel the Norfolk show and go — David is damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t — kinda hope I’m wrong, because I hate for him to go do that kind of thing with mixed feelings. The whole thing lacks closure now, and he’s a closure kinda guy.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:29 LostMySnark:
CoolShades I didn’t know about the concert, but it still doesn’t seem like something David would do. Isn’t the line up already confirmed? But I guess we will find out soon enough. Or not. Sometimes stuff happens that is personal and DC doesn’t tell us. But that is ok.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:29 blackkathy:
travel conflicts???? This is the LAST show and a pretty big deal. Even with my ad nauseum speculation, I can’t come up with a reasonable explanation. ‘course I’ve never been a rock star touring the continent.

Feeling like we’ve fallen down Alice’s hole.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:43 tierbee:
I texted my friend who is at the show that it was canceled and she said “the band” was still talking about the show tomorrow… might have been GRO, but… how mysterious. Guess will wait for the reason but… waaaah! Selfishly, I’m so very disappointed!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:44 LostMySnark:
yeah it kinda puts the end of tour on a sad note. That is probably an exaggeration but people have been looking forward to the last tour date to kind of formally end this chapter so now it feels……………………….

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:45 LostMySnark:
You think someone hacked DCO and is playing a prank????

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:47 coolshades:
It’s definitely not a prank. The venue has announced the cancellation on its website. And apparently David just said during banter that this is the last show.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:50 Zarita:
From Twitter:

JulesSC
Says he just found out. Says I’ll be dammed if we’re playing a regular show for you guys!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:50 blackkathy:
LMS – that’s the best explanation evaaahhh! Live on in our delusions!

Delusions indeed! Although that would make a perfect motto for DCO…

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:51 _AheadofStraight:
He also said HE just found out and was shocked as well.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:55 LivingInAmber2:
I am trying to trend #DavidCookDeservesAGrammy over at Twitter. Anyone care to join me?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:55 PeachMango:
Well, if he just found out then whatever the reason was, it wasn’t up to him. And I choose to believe him any day of the week versus any other rumors, speculation, asstalking that may arise later on this.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 21:58 mujerfeliz2009:
WORD PeachMango

ETA: Another tweet: @MinnTee: We found out that this is the end of the tour, a few hours ago so we decided we wanted to play some songs we have been working on all tour”

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 22:07 LostMySnark:
I thought we all decided as a non-real entity/organism that he was not getting a “G” and there was no reason to angst and build up hopes and expectations and “dramaTweet” all day long how the Grammy’s suck and he is better than all the artists that could ever be on that show ad infinitum Eleventy!!!! See, I just did it all for ya’ll. We can move on.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 22:16 LivingInAmber2:
I realize the G word may be a pipe dream at this point (sadly). But I thought it would be nice to show David what WE think. Screw the Grammy people if they, apparently, have tin ears. I just want to show pure, undiluted love and support.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 22:22 SybilT:
You don’t have to be at the Show That Must Not Be Named in order to be given a Thing That Must Not Be Named as the Best What That Must Not Be Named. So I can’t believe it’s that kind of a travel conflict.

So I got nothing.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 – 22:29 carrera4:
I think I remember David saying he’d tour until the wheels fell off the bus. Maybe the wheels fell off this afternoon. That’s all I got!!!

Oh, I think the wheels fell off that bus some time ago…Cook has been playing at smaller venues for most of his Declaration tour, and despite the fangirls’ dogged insistence that ticket sales are at 90% of capacity, the truth of the matter is he has not been able to sell out even those little venues.

The Constant Center has a flexible capacity, accommodating up to 10,000 for concerts, but evidently Cook and the other acts weren’t enough of a draw to make it worth their while…

And yes, there really is a distinction between having an album certified platinum by the RIAA and actually selling platinum, in particular since Taylor Hicks’s debut never managed to cross the “million albums sold” threshold, despite its certification on January 16, 2007. At last report, Taylor’s sales were at 703,195.

Likewise, Kelly Clarkson’s “My December” was certified platinum on December 12, 2007, but had only sold an estimated 782,000 by the end of 2008. Premature certification isn’t all that rare in an industry in which perception often trumps reality.

The reality is that aside from the two unearned platinum certifications for Kelly and Taylor, eight American Idol alums have managed to sell eleven platinum albums, with David Cook becoming the most recent Idol to cross that rather exclusive finish line. Unfortunately for him (and his fangirls), he comes in at # 10 on the Weeks to Platinum list.

Let’s look at some numbers:

Clay’s “Measure of a Man” took 4 weeks to sell 1,092,047
Ruben’s “Soulful” took 5 weeks to sell 1,018,500
Carrie’s “Some Hearts” took 5 weeks to sell 1,101,454
Carrie’s “Carnival Ride” took 5 weeks to sell 1,072,612
Chris’s “daughtry” took 5 weeks to sell 1,044,648
Kelly’s “Breakaway” took 6 weeks to sell 1,014,059
Clay’s “Merry Christmas, With Love” took 6 weeks to sell 1,017,555
Kelly’s “Thankful” took 9 weeks to sell 1,044,954
Fantasia’s “Free Yourself” took 13 weeks to sell 1,038,247
David C’s “David Cook” took 15 weeks to sell 1,006,401
Jordin’s “Jordin Sparks” took 66 weeks to sell 1,000,000

Only Jordin’s snail-paced trek to platinum saved David C from coming in dead last.

And then there’s a question of style — did they sprint, walk, or crawl across the platinum line? Here’s a look at that:

Carrie’s “Some Hearts” = 1,101,454
Clay’s “Measure of a Man” = 1,092,047
Carrie’s “Carnival Ride” = 1,072,612
Kelly’s “Thankful” = 1,044,954
Chris’s “daughtry” = 1,044,648
Fantasia’s “Free Yourself” = 1,038,247
Ruben’s “Soulful” = 1,018,500
Clay’s “Merry Christmas, With Love” = 1,017,555
Kelly’s “Breakaway” = 1,014,059
David C’s “David Cook” = 1,006,401
Jordin’s “Jordin Sparks” = 1,000,000

Again, if not for Jordin, David C would have come in last. Which puts him squarely in the crawl column, as far as I’m concerned.

Looking only at platinum-selling debut albums (to avoid the inevitable apples & oranges argument):

Carrie’s “Some Hearts” = 1,101,454
Clay’s “Measure of a Man” = 1,092,047
Kelly’s “Thankful” = 1,044,954
Chris’s “daughtry” = 1,044,648
Fantasia’s “Free Yourself” = 1,038,247
Ruben’s “Soulful” = 1,018,500
David C’s “David Cook” = 1,006,401
Jordin’s “Jordin Sparks” = 1,000,000

Hmm, well, that looks a little better, but I suspect the fangirls would claim that it’s not the same variety of apples, so let’s refine it further…to platinum-selling debut albums of Idol winners:

Carrie’s “Some Hearts” = 1,101,454
Kelly’s “Thankful” = 1,044,954
Fantasia’s “Free Yourself” = 1,038,247
Ruben’s “Soulful” = 1,018,500
David C’s “David Cook” = 1,006,401
Jordin’s “Jordin Sparks” = 1,000,000

I suppose that’s as good as it’s going to get. The fangirls ought to send Jordin a fruit basket or something, considering that she’s the only thing separating David C from the bottom of these particular barrels.

Call me irresponsible, but I can’t resist one more set of numbers, this time comparing what those Idols who’d managed to sell platinum had sold at the fifteen week mark:

Carrie’s “Some Hearts”: 2,245,423
Clay’s “Measure of a Man”: 2,236,013
Carrie’s “Carnival Ride”: 1,804,434
Chris’s “daughtry”: 1,801,711
Kelly’s “Breakaway”: 1,608,067
Ruben’s “Soulful”: 1,570,620
Kelly’s “Thankful”: 1,343,598
Fantasia’s “Free Yourself”: 1,139,533
David C’s “David Cook”: 1,006,401

Ouch.

While the fangirls have worked diligently to lower expectations and have a million excuses as to why David C’s sales have been so anemic, the fact remains that his album sold a dismal 12,852 copies last week. The trend has been downward, and while the economy clearly is a factor, discretionary spending has not come to a dead stop. For example, here are the five best-selling DVDs for the week ending February 22nd:

1 (-) High School Musical 3: Senior Year 1,504,342 $26,551,636
2 (1) Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa 456,117 $8,033,497
3 (-) Body of Lies 392,483 $7,001,897
4 (-) Changeling 281,162 $4,641,9855
5 (-) Quarantine 221,590 $4,425,152

So the cookie is only half-baked at this point and it’s certainly possible that things could still turn around for him sales-wise, but will they? If so, what will it take?

An appearance on AI8? A “hit single” on a format other than the moribund AC? Being booked as the opening act on a major concert tour?

Time will tell.

From the Stupid American Idol Fangirl of the Week thread on November 30, 2008, cited by Boulder:

I think we need to redefine what success is for the Davids. It’s not how well they do against each other, past Idols, or even other artists in the music world. First and foremost, success is whatever will allow them to keep their record deals. Idols get dropped from their labels left and right. Simply being greenlighted to put out a sophomore album, then, has to be viewed as success.

Ah yes, that sophomore album, the ultimate harbinger of success in the rainbow sky world in which the stereotypical fangirl resides. Can there be any doubt that having the label demonstrate its willingness to allow the artist to dig a deeper recoupment hole is the highest height an Idol can ever hope to ascend? Well, unless there’s a third or fourth album, anyway.

The oxygen-deprived atmosphere common to fansites appears to restrict critical thinking skills, while encouraging “attaboys” among the like-minded when any of the faithful score what they feel is a point against the infidels, aka “those who don’t agree that [insert Idol’s name here] is the be-all and end-all of American music and a music legend *cough* in the making.”

Fansites and the fangirls who frequent them are so proud of their “logic,” despite basing far too many of their starry-eyed conclusions on insufficient evidence. The self-anointed “experts” go begging for numbers and industry information at assorted music-related sites like paupers rattling tin cups, and then proudly bring the work of others — many of whom have been tracking album sales and industry trends for years — back to the nest to share with their ill-informed brethren.

As a public service, then, I have posted sales numbers for those Idols who actually released second, third, or fourth albums. Of those listed, only Bo was cut loose between albums.

IDOLS WITH MULTIPLE ALBUMS, updated to 12-02-08:

Kelly Clarkson – RCA
Thankful [2003] – 2,710,000
Breakaway [2004] – 6,028,500
My December [2007] – 779,000

Carrie Underwood – Arista
Some Hearts [2005] – 6,601,000
Carnival Ride [2007] – 2,470,017

Clay Aiken – RCA
Measure of a Man [2003] – 2,771,000
Merry Christmas With Love [2004] – 1,411,000
A Thousand Different Ways [2006] – 528,000
On My Way Here [2008] – 155,000

Ruben Studdard – J Records
Soulful [2003] – 1,786,000
I Need an Angel [2004] – 451,000
The Return [2006] – 237,000

Fantasia Barrino – J Records
Free Yourself [2004] – 1,732,000
Fantasia [2006] – 518,000

Kellie Pickler – BNA Entertainment
Small Town Girl [2006] – 796,000
Kellie Pickler [2008] – 114,111

Bo Bice – RCA & StartArt Records
The Real Thing [2005] – 670,000
See the Light [2007] – 62,000

Josh Gracin – Lyric Street
Josh Gracin [2004] – 695,000
We Weren’t Crazy [2008] – 70,000

Kimberley Locke – Curb Records
One Love [2004] – 212,000
Based on a True Story [2007] – 22,000

Only Kelly Clarkson has managed to outsell her debut album — and she did so by a significant margin. But then she stumbled badly with “My December” and it’s an open question as to whether she will be able to recover with album number four, reportedly due out on St. Patrick’s Day. The fangirls say “Absolutely,” but they are hardly objective. They comprehend only their own heightened level of obsession and seem oblivious to the quickly fading interest casual music fans display towards nearly all artists over time.

Every other Idol has watched their sales drop precipitously, even Carrie, the golden girl. Yes, “Carnival Ride” has sold 2,470,017 copies after 58 weeks, but at the same point in its sales history, “Some Hearts” had sold 4,586,750 copies. And that’s in spite of the FACT that she’s had a number of successful tours in the meantime, has won a boatload of awards — country music loves its awards shows — and gets plenty of airplay.

Kellie Pickler is the most recent Idol to watch her second album slide rapidly down the sales charts. After nine weeks, “Kellie Pickler” has sold a disappointing 114,111 copies; by comparison, “Small Town Girl” sold 352,716 in its first nine weeks. It’s certainly possible that Kellie will get a nice boost from Christmas sales, but January’s charts can be brutal and so far there doesn’t appear to be a silver lining on her sophomore album sales cloud.

So do the math, numbers nerds. And while you’re at it, go ahead and calculate the sales percentage drops between albums…then define “success” again.

In several instances, I’ve only provided an address and phone number for the venue because that’s pretty much all I could find doing an admittedly cursory search, but occasionally, I hit paydirt.

October 06, 2008
Great Scott, 1222 Commowealth Ave., Boston, MA, 02134
(617) 566-9014
Website http://www.greatscottboston.com/
Venue Type: Bar

October 07, 2008
Maxwell’s, 1039 Washington Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030
Telephone: (201) 653-1703

October 08, 2008
Mexicali Live 1409 Queen Anne Road Teaneck, NJ 07666
201-833-0011

October 09, 2008
Sonar 407 E. Saratoga St Baltimore, Maryland 21202
410.783.7888

What is the Main Stage, Club, and Lounge?
Sonar has 3 rooms in the venue, which are run either together or separately depending on the night and the event. The MAIN STAGE room holds over one thousand people, and that is where we would tend to do any of the major live shows and special events. The CLUB holds over 300, and the LOUNGE holds 150 with a mellower vibe, leather couches, pool table, and a fully stocked top shelf bar.

Any guesses which room Blake will play?

October 10, 2008
Crocodile Rock 520 W. Hamilton Street, Allentown, PA 18101
Tel:610-434-4600 Fax:610-433-9791

Booking Information:
Please Remember Any Act at Anytime Is Welcome..Bands May Do Their Own Show. In Most Cases There Is No Venue Charge.. We Welcome All Types of Music!! The Crocodile Rock Cafe Is Number 22 in the World (Yes World) in Tickets Sales for Club Venues..And Is a Great Place to Play..So Come on Down!

Oooh, looks like Blake hit the big time!

October 12, 2008
North Star Bar 2639 Poplar Street Philadelphia, PA 19130

Recently Added Shows:
Blake Lewis (from American Idol) 10/12
“Small, friendly bar with a back room where you can catch some great live music.”

Or you could go and see Blake.

October 13, 2008
Gravity Lounge 103 South First Street Charlottesville Virginia 22902
(434) 977-5590

Equal parts bookstore, cafe, art gallery, listening room and Internet access point, Gravity Lounge is a place for people who enjoy simple pleasures: a good read, a good cup of coffee, a fresh-baked pastry, great music in a listening room atmosphere.

See above, although the pastry sounds good.

October 14, 2008
Canal Club 1545 East Cary Street, Richmond, VA, 23219
(804) 643-2582 – Website http://www.thecanalclub.com/

Let us explain, we are a two floor venue, “The Canal Club” is our upstairs “big room.” There are some booths and tables along one wall, but other than that it is standing only. “The Downstairs Lounge” is smaller but offers, depending upon configuration between 135 and 335 seats or in some cases none, but that is rare.

Blake Lewis (American Idol)
Carlotta
B1END
7:30 show time
$8.00 /$10.00

Big room or small room, a crowd of one or 335, even if he doesn’t make one thin dime on this tour, we know the fangirls will be squeeing like a litter of piglets in a standing room only sty, just seeing Blake in person…

October 15, 2008
The Jewish Mother 3108 Pacific Ave Virginia Beach, VA 23451
(757) 422-5430
Category: Restaurants

Sample reviews:

From what I read, this place is definitely somewhat of an institution in this area. It definitely would classify as a “dive.”

This place definitely looks like a dive and could use a bit of interior cleaning and upkeep. It looks like the booths closest to the entrance are a bit newer and cleaner than the ones in the back. The one we sat in towards the back was a bit dirty and starting to fall apart in places.

Sounds like a dive, all right. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

October 16, 2008
New Brookland Tavern, Columbia, South Carolina
(803.791.4413)

Draw: Local bands are expected to be able to draw a minimum of 15 people, regardless of the day they are playing or their spot on the bill. 30-50 is considered a solid draw and 50+ headlining material. If you can not draw the minimum 15 people then please do not contact use [sic] about booking you until you have built a crowd of 15.

Will any of these venues report to Boxscore or Pollstar? I’m not sure — when little d™ started touring, many of the itty bitty venues he was booked in did NOT report — but we shall see…

I arrived at [insert name of venue] at 12:30 PM, roughly seven and a half hours before the concert. I did not want to miss a golden opportunity to stand around aimlessly with other Idol fans in the parking lot for however long it might be before the tour buses pulled in. Parking lots have always held a certain fascination for me, and I’m not sure whether it’s the heat waves radiating off the pavement or the diesel fumes wafting in the air or the simple joy of standing on a hard surface until my bones ache…

As one might expect, there is precious little shade to be found in parking lots, although a few of the fangirls had adequate girth to block the sun if they could harness the hot air they generated while engaged in spontaneous “Who’s the biggest fan” competitions into some kind of a propulsion system and achieve lift off. But I digress…

At some point, the buses did indeed pull in and several of the Idols came out to greet hundreds of sweaty, red-faced, giddily incoherent fans. The Idols signed things, some posed for photos, others did not. Security kept a watchful eye, since there is no telling what a cougar will do when it smells fresh meat. I didn’t actually see anyone carrying a tranquilizer gun, but I suspect one was nearby. Although I suppose a taser would do in a pinch.

Anyway, the pheromones were giving me a headache, so I left the parking lot and wandered up to the ticket office. Luckily, I am not stupid enough to pay a ridiculous sum of money for Idol concert tickets the minute they go on sale, and I know all too well that “sold out” shows almost always have great seats available on the day of the performance after the ticket brokers release them when they have finished gouging the suckers. I paid face value for an aisle seat in the third row.

Skipping ahead to the concert.

Chikezie opened the show, and all I can say is he left too soon. He had great energy and the crowd loved him, albeit (!) not enough to have bothered voting for him.

Ramiele was next, and although she is as cute as a button, she is not even remotely ready for the big stage. How in the world did she make it into the Top 10? The crowd’s enthusiasm was fading fast.

Michael Johns revived the crowd as only an Australian import can! We all know he’s quite the joker, a sometime troublemaker, the life of the party, and all I can say is he left too soon. Yeah, I know I said that about Chikezie already, but I really mean it this time, and seriously…eighth place? No way does he belong with all of the other Idol losers who went out in eighth place.

Then it was time for Kristy Lee, because there just aren’t enough blonde country singers in the world. Even rarer, a blonde country singer streetwise enough to include a patriotic song in her otherwise obscure set, even though when she sings it, the look in her eyes is more Lee Marvin — or is it Lee Van Cleef? — than Lee Greenwood. How in the world did she make it into the Top 10? The crowd’s enthusiasm is tepid at best.

Carly arrives on stage to prove that an Irish lass can revive the crowd as well as an Aussie heartthrob can. She is a tiny thing too, with a huge voice that can blow out the rafters, which might be a concern for structural engineers or those public safety people with their hard hats and those cool bright orange vests. Her tattoos are less of an issue in concert than they were during the Idol competition, and all I can say is she left too soon. Yes, yes, I said that about Chikeze and Michael Johns (why does he get referred to by his full name, anyway?), but it makes me seem kind-hearted and magnanimous to say such things. All is forgiven and all that.

Which brings us to Brooke. Her voice is stronger than it seemed to be on Idol, quite possibly because the sound engineer has calibrated her microphone correctly — stranger things have been known to happen — or that the principles of amplification actually work. Such a delicate flower is Brooke, and we really can’t have too many singer-songwriters, now can we? At the very least, she deserves Brownie points for titling her homemade CD Songs From The Attic, although it’s doubtful she’d last a minute among the evil, caustic residents who dwell here.

So there’s an intermission after a rather awful group number. I will not bore you with details of how I spent that time, but suffice it to say, what goes around, comes around, and usually when you’re not looking.

Jason arrives and it’s quickly clear that all that came before this was prelude. The fans are enchanted by the essential Jason-ness of Jason. No vocal gymnastics, no bluster, no artifice. Kim Locke was right about one thing: the day-dreaming boy doesn’t look bad in jeans. And all I can say is, he left too soon! The hell with Chikezie and Michael Johns and Carly! What have any of them done for me lately?

Time for Syesha. Because even if you spent a lifetime looking, you would never find another singer like Syesha, once you got past Alicia and Beyonce and Christina and Rihanna and all of the other R&B divas waiting in the wings, not to mention Idols like Tamyra and Kim Locke and Trenyce and LaToya and Vonzell and…well, you get my drift. Then there’s the matter of her ego and what appears to be a pathological sense of entitlement…not since little d™ has there been a prima donna of this magnitude on an Idol stage.

Saving the stage from collapsing under the weight of Syesha’s expectations is David A, who elicits high-pitched screams from the younger fangirls, which probably annoys the cougars no end, since big cats can hear much better than mere mortals. Of course, they’re not really cats, just sad predators who like to think they’re still dangerous although the bloom has long been off the rose. But never mind. David A’s voice is ethereal, transcendent, and pure in a way that invites derision from those who prefer singers with more grit (RSF!).

Whatever.

Finally, finally it is time for the American Idol version 7.0 himself, David C, live bait to countless cougars and more than a few certified groupies who have proven themselves willing to engage in any number of one and off gigs. Although his head is exactly the shape of Homer Simpson’s and the only six-pack he’s ever likely to possess comes straight from Budweiser, David C is now a sex symbol to a generation of women who have apparently tired of objectively attractive men. He can sing, no doubt about that. But while his vocabulary might be impressive to those who apparently couldn’t spell “buses” to save their own lives, he is hardly the genius his Word Nerd fans make him out to be. And he’s not a rock star yet, despite his fangirls’ many proclamations to the contrary.

And that’s how I imagined it.

1. Number of digital downloads sold
2. Number of digital downloads gifted to unsuspecting family members, friends, or acquaintances
3. Number of CDs sold
4. Number of CDs sent to the troops in lieu of items the troops really need
5. Size of venue they can sell out as a solo artist
6. Billboard/SoundScan rankings for CDs or downloads
7. iTunes rankings for digital downloads
8. Amazon rankings for their debut CD
9. Number of spins their songs receive according to Mediabase
10. Number of audience impressions their songs receive, subject to an evaluation of whether that particular audience matters
11. Number of times they are invited to sing the National Anthem, with extra points for major network performances in primetime
12. Whether they were invited to Simon Fuller’s wedding
13. Whether they were invited to Clive Davis’s pre-Grammy parties, before he was demoted
14. The clapometer
15. The decibel level of screaming when they perform
16. Number of chills reported by fangirls, closeted or not
17. Number of tears reported by fangirls, closeted or not
18. Number of tattoos that fangirls get in their honor, with deductions for any self-aggrandizing tattoos an Idol gets for his or herself
19. Number of fake girlfriends subjected to intense fan scrutiny
20. Number of girlfriend upgrades, with extra points for models
21. Number of hits on search engines
22. Number of threads dedicated to them at the scary boards or other FANSITES — and you know who you are!
23. Number of polls they win on obscure websites, regardless of whether power-voting is allowed
24. Number of friends on their MySpace pages
25. Number of YouTube views
26. Number of people who mock and make fun of you
27. Number of good reviews they get from qualified journalists
28. Number of bad reviews they get from morons who have no clue
29. Number of awards they are nominated for based solely on fan voting
30. Number of awards they are nominated for based solely on sales and subject to power-buying
31. Number of Oscars won, with bonus points for playing a character totally unlike themselves
32. Number of Grammys won, with deductions for any tool who is 0 for 4
33. Number of magazine covers, front page spreads, and photo shoots
34. Number of Operations or Campaigns or Projects their fans perpetrate in their honor
35. Number of charity causes their fans support in their honor
36. Number of endorsement deals they sign, with deductions for products no one would be caught dead using
37. Number of stalkers inspired to violate protection orders just to get close enough to smell them
38. Number of fruit baskets or flowers sent to them on opening night or closing night or any night in between
39. Number of times has-been musicians praise them in a transparent attempt to get a little press coverage of their own
40. Number of times they perform on The Tonight Show or Letterman, with bonus points for couch time
41. Number of times they are negatively portrayed in skits on Saturday Night Live
42. Number of appearances on Broadway, stunt-casting or not
43. Number of appearances in films, stunt-casting or not
44. Number of appearances on TV shows, stunt-casting or not
45. Number of catwalk appearances, stunt-casting or not
46. Number of furniture drives to replace delapidated couches
47. Number of CDs used as baby shower and wedding favor gifts
48. Number of hair products sent to improve their overall career prospects
49. Number of hot, home-cooked meals taken to concerts
50. Number of customized motor coolers driven by crazed fans in hot pursuit
51. Whether the Idol has outsold Taylor Hicks